Control
It's a funny thing. An illusion we have, something we all feel we need to attain. Control over ourselves, our environment, our children, each other. It's a scale that slides. I mean think about it, when you are a child, you have no control over your environment, you have no choices that are yours, I mean not really, not unless you had some really progressive parents, and then even if you did it was all an illusion, because if your decisions weren't the same super liberal drivel they were spouting then you were cast off as a child and ignored.
So what did you do? You played, probably with friends or maybe by yourself, but somebody paid for how you were treated at home, some toy got mangled, some kid was the villain in the story for the day so you could be the hero. So you could have CONTROL. That's where it started. For a lot of us at least. *Shrugs* Or maybe not. Maybe it's just me.
My mother, oh, talk about a person with control issues, on top of issues. She has always been a trigger for me. A hot button that can destroy my mood in a moments notice by simply being in the same room, hell I'm hundreds of miles from her and she still grates me. So my solution? I no longer talk to her. It's working out... mostly. Some days I miss her, then I remember how toxic our relationship is, and I know that the truth is we are both better off apart. That is me controlling my environment in the strictest way I know I can.
Why does this matter? What's this got to do with anything? Hell if I know, I just felt the usually once in the while compulsion to write to you people. I think I'm going to try to do it more often. Maybe it will help. See, I've been living on my own since May, and while I've got a great friend that I talk to everyday, I've lost a few along the way. Hurts run deep, but I'm in process. I've grieved the relationships gone. I'm working on doing more for me.
I'm wrapped too damn tightly, and need to unravel a bit, but how much is too much when you're set like a trap with a slice of cheese and you also happen to be the mouse?
Thoughts?
